


What Happens To The Heart

by janewaystolemyheart



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: 5x1 Night, Angst, Caught the darkness, Dark, Depressed Janeway, Depression, Existential Crisis, Leonard Cohen x Star Trek, Merry Month of Cohen, One Shot, References to Depression, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24142891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janewaystolemyheart/pseuds/janewaystolemyheart
Summary: There are times when even the strongest minds can't bear it anymore.When the strongest people falter.When even the optimists can't see a silver lining.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15
Collections: Caught The Darkness (Star Trek Fandom Event - May 2020)





	What Happens To The Heart

It had been weeks since Kathryn last saw a star, since she saw a nebula, an unknown spatial phenomenon or just light outside the windows of Voyager.

How long had it been since they entered this…what did the crew apparently call it? The Void? Had it been weeks? Months? She had lost track of time since she stopped visiting the bridge, since she stayed in her quarters. Where she was alone. Only her thoughts to accompany her. Not even the coffee tasted as good as it used to.

She always got her shit together. Always. She had tried it for a while but at some point she had cracked. All this nothingness outside the windows wore her out, drained all her energy and took her enthusiasm, sometimes made it hard to breathe.

There were times when she woke up in the middle of the night, feeling a heavy, dark beast sitting on her chest that tried to suffocate her. She could have called the doctor but she knew there was nothing he could do. No hypospray could help her. Nobody could help her.

She was the woman in charge, always fighting, always standing her ground, never leaving anyone behind, every decision she made with the final destination in mind: Earth. Home.

Over the last weeks she couldn’t get it together anymore, she was distracted, absentminded whenever she was at work. Her thoughts began to run around in circles in her head and wouldn't let her sleep so she stayed up late and woke up early in cold sweat, panting and with her eyes seeking a flash of light in this total darkness. 

There were times when she forgot to eat until her stomach hurt so much she writhed in pain when she finally noticed.

The crew must have noticed that something was wrong, she began to draw looks on the corridors. That was the moment she didn’t dare to leave her quarters anymore. Most of the time she shut herself in, nobody was allowed to enter except Chakotay for his daily updates. But they were all the same and she began to listen less and less.

The crew. They needed a captain, Chakotay told her, especially now.

What good would she do on the bridge when all she could think of was the mistakes she made the moment she became captain of this ship? Voyager seemed to long for trouble from the start and Kathryn sure gave it to her.

Destroying the array was the biggest mistake she ever made, she robbed the crew of their future, took them away from their lives and families, away from all they held dear. Of course, it was for a good cause, she saved lives that day. Innocent lives. But in retrospective, was it worth it? Was this decade-long voyage worth the people they rescued?

Kathryn wrapped her mind around this for the millionth time but still she got no answer, all she knew was that every life they lost on this voyage, every dangerous situation, all the difficult times they had to endure, they were her fault. Each and everyone.

Whenever she thought of the people she lost, good people, bright people, capable people, she heard her heartbeat throbbing in her ears, drowning out all other sounds, all the beeps and chirps and the sound of the warp core. Her heart was still pumping, day and night, a sign that she wasn’t completely dead inside.

What happens to the heart when you can’t see any light? What happens to the heart when you feel so much anger towards yourself? What happens to the heart when you are away from your loved ones, from the life you knew? What happens to the heart when you know that you can never return to your old life, that everything will have changed if you ever get back home?

What happens to the heart?

It grows cold.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my contribution to the Caught the Darkness fandom event <3  
> I hope you liked it!  
> Thank you so much for reading <3


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